Why Do I React So Strongly? The Question That Changed How I See Emotional Triggers

Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking:

“Why did that affect me so much?”

Perhaps your boss made a passing comment that stayed with you all day. Maybe your child ignored you and you found yourself reacting far more strongly than you wanted to. Or perhaps you read something online that left you feeling angry, defensive or upset, while everyone else seemed completely unfazed.

When this emotional trigger happens, it’s easy to believe that the other person caused our feelings. After all, if they hadn’t said or done that, we wouldn’t be feeling this.

But over the years, I’ve found one question that completely changes the way I look at these moments and my clients love this question too.

The Reasonable Person Question

When I notice I’ve been emotionally triggered, I ask myself this:

“Is it possible that another reasonable person could, in these exact circumstances, feel differently about this than I do?”

It’s quite a strange question the first time you read it. You may even need to read it twice, but stay with it.

If your answer is “yes” – or even “maybe” – something interesting happens. It suggests that your emotional reaction isn’t entirely about the situation itself. Something else may be contributing to the way you’re experiencing it.

If your answer is an immediate “no”, I invite you to ask one more question:

“Am I absolutely certain that’s true? Or is there any possibility that someone else could genuinely experience this differently?”

The aim isn’t to invalidate your feelings. Your feelings are real. The aim is simply to become curious about where they’re coming from.

The Same Situation, Different Reactions

One of my favourite examples comes from a trip to Glastonbury Festival. The long walk from the car to the campsite, carrying everything we needed for the weekend, felt like absolute torture to me. My friend barely seemed to notice any kind of negative effects herself.

A day later it started raining. She looked utterly defeated, while I just put my hood up and carried on. Neither of us was right or wrong. The situations were exactly the same. But our experiences weren’t.

You can probably think of examples from your own life too.

Two colleagues receive the same feedback from their manager. One thinks, “That’s useful.” The other spends the entire weekend wondering if they’re about to lose their job.

Or two parents experience exactly the same behaviour from their child. One sighs, stays calm and responds. The other feels a wave of anger, frustration or helplessness.

The external situation may be identical. Our internal experience often isn’t.

So What’s Really Going On?

If two reasonable people can experience the same situation differently, then perhaps our emotional reaction isn’t only about what’s happening today. Perhaps something deeper has been activated. Maybe the situation touched an old fear.

Maybe it reminded us (without us even realising) of a time we felt rejected, criticised, unsafe or unseen. Maybe our nervous system recognised something familiar long before our conscious mind caught up.

This doesn’t mean the situation isn’t difficult. Nor does it mean someone else’s behaviour is acceptable.

It simply means there may be more influencing your reaction than just the event itself.

Your Reaction Isn’t Random

One of the biggest shifts I’ve experienced, both personally and with clients, is moving away from asking:

“What’s wrong with me?”

and instead asking:

“What might this reaction be trying to protect?”

This is where I think many of our emotional patterns begin to make sense. The part of us that overthinks. The part that people-pleases. The part that becomes defensive. The part that avoids difficult conversations. Most of the time, these behaviours are protective patterns. Strategies our minds and bodies developed for good reasons, based on experiences we’ve had in the past.

The challenge is that what once protected us can later begin to limit us.

Curiosity Creates Choice

The beautiful thing about becoming curious is that it creates space. Instead of immediately believing our thoughts or reacting automatically, we begin to notice what’s happening.

We start asking different questions.

“What is this bringing up for me?”

“What am I afraid this means?”

“Is this situation really the whole story?”

From that place, we have more choice. Sometimes nothing changes externally. Your boss may still be abrupt. Your child may still test your patience. The internet will almost certainly continue to contain opinions you disagree with. But your relationship with those situations can begin to change. And often, that’s where freedom starts.

When we understand the protective pattern beneath our reaction, we don’t just cope better with this one situation. We often find that other areas of life begin to shift too. The same pattern that gets triggered by your boss may also be the one that’s stopping you asking for a pay rise, speaking up in meetings or taking the next step in your business.

A Final Thought

The next time you notice yourself having a strong emotional reaction, try asking yourself:

“Is it possible that another reasonable person could, in these exact circumstances, feel differently about this than I do?”

Not because your feelings are wrong. Not because you should simply “think positively.” but because your reaction may be pointing towards something worth understanding. Something that may have been causing you pain for years.

Sometimes the trigger isn’t the problem. Sometimes it’s an invitation. An invitation to understand yourself with a little more curiosity, a little less judgement, and perhaps uncover a protective pattern that’s ready to be outgrown.